self-bondage vs. submission?

I've just been looking through the preview pages for Chimera Bondage, the site I did the self-bondage shoot with last year which I found so challenging.

The webmaster recently emailled me asking if I'd be interested in another shoot with them, and honestly? Lovely as they were to work with, I decided to say no. It was a very interesting experiment, but it wasn't for me. I may have masochistic tendencies - I may be able to fly, enter a trance state if you put me in the right headspace and cause me the right kind of pain - but at heart, I'm not a painslut out for kicks. I'm a submissive. In order to enjoy suffering I have to be suffering for someone. For me to get a thrill out of pain, someone has to be giving it to me, someone I want to make proud. Causing pain to myself is an interesting psychological experiment, but there's no depth to it. It doesn't really connect with my kink.

Of course, I'm not "properly" subbing to the top or dom every time I take a spanking on camera. It's not a deep emotional connection. But subbing on camera appeals to my professional pride. I want the studio/photographer/top to think well of me; I want the viewers to think well of me. Part of it's an exhibitionist thing - I want to look good and I like showing off, being objectified by the gaze of all the viewers who want to do all sorts of wicked things to me. I'm pretty sure I'm good at acting in spanking films and I get a performance-related thrill out of that. But most of it is roleplay. I put myself into the head of the character I'm playing and I enjoy their helplessness, their suffering.

Logically, I guess all of this could apply to self-bondage. The photographer, the studio and the viewers are all still "there" - I still want them to be proud of me. I'm playing a character who is compelled to do these things to herself, who isn't consenting to it. But somehow, it didn't click for me. Tying myself up, putting clamps on myself - I could do it, and it was absolutely fascinating finding out what it was like, but I couldn't connect to it from within my own kink. It was too self-contained. There wasn't anyone else there for me to bounce off - only the photographer, who stayed as distanced as he could so I didn't feel self-conscious or crowded. I guess I'm just not a solo performer.

That said, the spanking machine was, while slightly anti-climactic, nonetheless one of the most erotic things ever to happen to me on camera. The sensations were almost irrelevant - I was melting from the sheer idea of it! If I could do a shoot consisting solely of spanking machines without any of the self-flagellation and self-bondage, that would do me fine :) But self-bondage is such an integral part of Chimera Bondage I don't think I could get away with omitting it entirely. I could probably do it again, sure, but I wouldn't really get anything out of it, and one of the things I've promised myself since returning to modelling is to stick to shoots that really appeal to my personal tastes.

So there'll probably only be the one shoot with me at Chimera Bondage. I found it a challenge, and I'm proud of it. It didn't come easy. The photos and film of me is nowhere near the most hardcore or extreme on the site, but I don't mind that - I pushed my own limits, and that's worth something.

Writing in Shadows

Just a quick one tonight - I'm completely wiped out by an evil cold, and am hiding under my duvet desperately hoping I'll feel better in time for my shoot on Friday.

I made a new friend in the pub last weekend - a fabulous lady called Jacqueline who writes erotic fiction for a living. We had a long chat about the erotica industry, the role of kink in mainstream erotica and bi visibility. She has a website - Writing in Shadows - which is well worth taking a look at. I particularly enjoyed this F/m spanking story about a rather unconventional librarian:

Three Simple Rules

I pulled the now-whimpering man to my side office, but I didn't close the door – I didn't want to leave my readers alone for too long, and besides, I wanted everyone to see what happened, when they disobeyed the three simple rules in my library.

As soon as I crossed the threshold, my hands tugged at his expensive leather belt, using the momentum to draw him into the room. His smart blue pinstriped trousers came down in smooth folds – fine quality wool and silk will do that for you. His boxer shorts were blue too, with little paisley swirls dotted all over. He smelled of old-fashioned cologne, and cherry sweets – guilty sod.

"Up against the desk mate."

"Believe me miss, but I wasn’t doing…”

Ooh, he spoke like a merchant banker too. Nice. However, his voice was cut off by the first slap that landed on his skinny backside. The resounding crack made him shake, and he gripped the desk with white knuckles.

(more here)

Enjoy! I'm going back to bed. Sorry for the delay in replying to comments, I'll hopefully be back at my desk in the next day or two.

Hickory Switch Porter

Near Tom's flat (well, his old flat, technically - he's currently in the process of moving out) is a rather wonderful old-fashioned off licence. It caters particularly to real ale drinkers, which suits Mr C and myself down to the ground. The place is a treasure trove overflowing with weird and wonderful bottles by breweries you've never heard of, with mythic, faintly obscene-sounding names like Verger's Tipple and Mossy Ring. Home from home. We haven't tried all of them yet, but while browsing the shelves a while ago we did discover this:



I couldn't believe it when I first saw it. And then I saw the name of the artist: Lynn Paula Russell. Who is, of course, the same person as Paula Meadows, a very well-known spanking artist and model whose work was featured in various editions of Janus in the '80s, and who ended up editing as well as illustrating its sister magazine, Februs.

Quite what one of her illustrations is doing on a beer bottle, we have no clue. In case you can't make it out, the text on the label reads:

If you know someone who's been bad give 'em a taste of the switch ... the Hickory Switch! They'll surely come back for more of this smokin' ale. This beer also makes a great ingredient to chili, BBQ Sauce, or as a marinade for red meat.

Which all sounds like it was written by an American wannabe rather than a serious ale enthusiast, and has damn all to do with hickory switches or bare bottoms. Nonetheless, their website confirms that the Fallen Angel Microbrewery are Sussex-based, as English as I am, and a decent-looking independent brewery. And strange as it seems, Paula seems to be illustrating exclusive art for their beer labels on an ongoing basis. (I wonder if she's a real ale drinker too? She and I seem to have several other things in common...)

If you're a fan of Paula's art, it's well worth a browse through the Fallen Angel website, which includes several previously unseen illustrations. Most of it's relatively tame by Februs standards, but there are a couple of more risqué images, such as Kama Sutra or Tawny Rose.

Sad to say, we didn't enjoy the beer as much as the label - we both agreed that it would be better suited as a marinade than a drink. But kudos to Fallen Angel, all the same. I can't bring myself to criticise any brewery that has such excellent taste in art.

bowing her head

I've got a scary painting deadline to meet by the end of this week. It's my own fault - I've known about the deadline for a couple of months, but it's easy when there's so much else going on in my life to leave things to the last minute. I'm probably going to be up all night getting this finished in time, which means I won't be able to spend the night with Tom as we'd previously planned. Damn. I'd suggest that he punishes me, but my procrastination when it comes to painting is so deeply entrenched I'm honestly not sure spanking would help with it. :(

Of course, this morning, rather than getting on with my work like a good girl (or, indeed, a sensible adult who doesn't want to disappoint paying clients) I've been browsing EndArt. I only discovered this spanking art website half an hour ago and I could spend all day exploring it. I'll resist today, and just add it to my bookmarks until I've got this painting finished. But before I return to my easel, I wanted to post the link for any of you that haven't seen it already.

The 'schoolroom' section is, unsurprisingly, my favourite. I love the stylish girl brimming with poise and personality in Corduroy Burns. Two more of my favourites are Unwilling to Confess and The Tutor's Report Card, where the wretched body language of the blonde girls speaks volumes about their hopelessness and submission. Spanking photos always have the models holding their heads unnaturally high to let their facial expressions be visible. It's one of the hardest things I've had to learn to do on film shoots, as my natural response to real pain is to bow my head and hide my face in my hair. I can understand why facial expressions are important for the viewer, but I find these pics of girls hanging their heads really emotive.

Similar body language is featured in this picture, which I just emailled to Tom with the comment that it made me think of him:



The title of the piece, "More Than a Lapdance", might suggest that the girl's attitude is a raunchy one, and she's in for a surprise when she encounters that hairbrush. But that's not how I read this picture at all. To me, her posture seems vulnerable and submissive. She's sexy, but she's also absolutely his.

Well, that's my interpretation. I may possibly be biased :)

spanking audio?

I've recently bought a posh new bit of computer kit, in the hope of taking my spanking modelling in a slightly new direction. It's a Samson USB studio condenser microphone, and I'm planning to use it to record spanking audio stories.

I have much less experience doing spoken word than performing in front of a camera. But I've enjoyed the little I have done, such as recording voiceovers for DVDs. I love the potential audio encompasses - you aren't limited by the expense of costumes and sets; like in written stories, you can let your imagination roam freely, only with the extra frisson of the narrator's voice speaking intimately in your ear. I'm going to experiment with improvising and writing a script to read from, to see which works better. I'd like to create audio recordings that have a similar feel to late-night, intimate phone conversations, the kind Tom and I would have for hours past midnight when we lived in different cities. We'd talk about our kinks, our experiences, our fantasies. I feel very unself-conscious speaking on the phone. For some reason, not being watched by the person I'm talking to allows me to express myself more freely, and I often find I'm more articulate. I don't know if that will cross over to recording - I imagine rather more thought will need to go into it! - but we'll see.

I'm always open to commissions, so if you would like to order a personally-tailored spanking auto track based on a theme or story of your choice, for your ears only, drop me an email and we'll talk about it.

The thing I'm most looking forward to, thought, is doing recordings for public release. I'd like to record a series of spanking mp3s to offer for download through this blog. My idea is for this to include a mixture of "in character" and more personal stories. So some recordings might have me telling you about a real-life spanking scenario or punishment I've received recently - or maybe one I'm currently anticipating. In others, I might tell you about one of my fantasies, or talk in character about a punishment scenario that particularly appeals to me. Some might include soundtracks of actual live spankings. (I'm sure my boyfriends will be happy to help with this part!)

And this is where you come in. What would you like to hear on a spanking-themed mp3? What fantasies or situations would you like to hear me talk about or re-enact? How long should each recording be?

I'm really excited about this; I think there's so much scope to let the imagination run riot when you aren't constrained by the cost of sets, costumes, camera equipment. The listener can construct their own visuals to match what they're hearing, imagining it looking just as they want it to look. Leaving the visuals to the imagination not only makes the scene much more flexible, for many people the suggestive, implicit nature of the material also makes it much more erotic. I'd like to just play around with my voice and my fantasies, tell you stories and talk to you about my desires as if we were lovers on the phone in the middle of the night.

If this is the kind of thing you might want to listen to, leave a comment and let me know. I'd love to hear your ideas :)

invisible welts

D, ever the man with an eye for shiny fetish photos, recently sent me a link to this picture of two girls playing with a latex vacuum bed:



The text accompanying it notes that "you can still see the welts on Mischa's ass from where J got at her earlier."

I don't know, though. Can you? Is my eyesight going? I've looked long and hard hard, but I have to admit that no welts can I see. The idea of them is hot, though.

This is from Addictedimage Studios. There's some beautiful fetish photography on the site, and although none of it is explicitly spanking-related, some of it is very suggestive:

saunas, harem girls and early Valentines spankings

Ouch, has it really been a fortnight since I last blogged? So much for furthering the cause of feminism with behind-the-scenes commentary!

My extracurricular activities have been even busier than usual recently. The weekend before last Mr Cameron and I went on our annual Shakespeare fest of acting, beer and music. It was tremendous fun, and for the first year we had a private room, but due to lots of late nights doing plays and drinking with our thespian friends, I'm afraid we didn't manage to fit any spanking in. We did spend a lot of time in the sauna, though - like eating very spicy food, I've always thought saunas offered a useful analogy for explaining why being spanked is fun. It starts out pleasantly warming, but over time builds up until the heat is almost unbearable. You endure it as long as you can, knowing that the longer you can last the better you'll feel afterwards. Eventually you can't take any more and you have to stop - but afterwards, the ordeal is rewarded by an invigorated feeling of glowing relaxation and energy.

While we were there it snowed on the Friday night. I was in the middle of an impromptu music session at the time, but some of my friends who were in the sauna took advantage of the weather to run outside, straight from the heat of the steamroom to frolic in the snow. Disappointingly, they didn't do more than run about a bit with towels still wrapped around themselves, letting the snowflakes melt on their arms and faces. I can understand that they didn't want shocked locals to call the police, but surely being whipped with birch switches is an essential part of the Swedish tradition?

Since returning from Elizabethan times to 21st century North London, I've been rushed off my feet, and I'm fully booked over the next couple of weeks, including another trip away. The good news for you guys is that this includes two shoots next week, both of which will hopefully result in new spanking photos to show you all! I'm looking forward to both of the shoots. One will hopefully involve lots of erotic spanking and Victorian underwear (yay!), and the other is with my old friends English Spankers.

Of course, next week also contains Valentines day, which can be one of the busiest periods of the year for us polyamorous types. I'm beginning to think that next year I might have to ignore Valentines for the sake of my sanity, but my beloveds and I do like taking the opportunity to indulge ourselves. I've spent most of the last couple of days in bed with Tom - he and I made time for our romantic celebrations a few days early, as we're both busy later in the week.

A good friend recently installed a couple of suspension points in my ceiling, but although we'd planned to make use of them, we never actually got around to it. But I did get soundly spanked several times over the course of the day; in pyjamas and out of them, over the knee, with hand, tawse, wooden paddle and thin whippy switch. I particularly enjoyed one over the knee spanking where he raised his right leg higher than normal, lifting my bottom high into the air and leaving me thorough exposed with my face buried in the pillows. I think my favourite was the paddling, though. He started slow, with a warm-up set of 12 and then another of 24, while I knelt over pillows in the middle of the bed with my pyjama bottoms around my knees. Then I got a "proper" set of 24, by the end of which I was shouting and kicking as each firm swat connected with my stinging flesh. I've discovered that a good yell is definitely the most therapeutic response to a hard thwack from a wooden paddle. It releases a lot of the overwhelming stimulation of every inch of my cheeks coming ablaze at once, allows me to process it and settle back down to wait for the next one. Cane strokes make me yelp and whimper, but I definitely find the paddle easier to endure if I let myself shout a bit.

I don't know if there are more spankings in store for me on the 14th - that's up to D, with whom I'm spending Valentines Day itself. What with shoots either side of it, if he's not in the mood my poor bottom will probably be glad of the rest! We are planning to go the Torture Garden Valentines Ball the following weekend, though, and what's the point of going to a fetish club if not to make use of the dungeon furniture?

I'll be dressing as a harem girl: low-slung, loose flowing trousers in shimmery, see-through fabric, with a matching bikini top jangling with little coins, and a veil covering my face. I don't know what my owner will have in store for me, but it could be anything from dancing for his pleasure to feeling the sting of his whip. Maybe he'll punish me for not having paid close enough attention at my bellydancing classes? I enjoy dancing, but I'm horribly self-conscious and find performing for people very difficult and humiliating - which makes for a powerful headspace in scenes. I've played a harem girl roleplay once before, and it was very memorable and intense.

I'm sure my new outfit will be put to good use on shoots as well as in private. If there any slavegirl or 'Arabian Nights' style scenarios you'd particularly like to see, let me know and I'll suggest them next time I'm filming :)

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I've got a busy few days coming up, but even so I'll try and post more regularly. I get a lot out of writing here, and I don't want to let myself get out of the habit. Self-discipline never was one of my strong points...