You know you're a spanking model when ...

... your anxiety dreams take place on spanking shoots. Seriously, this is the first time this has happened to me. I'm a champion worrier, and am fairly used to anxiety dreams and the various motifs my subconscious latches on to helpfully inform me that I'm fretting about something (no, really, I hadn't noticed). But spanking shoots are a new one.

In my dream I was shooting for Northern Spanking, and we were getting ready to do the first film of the day. It was a huge shoot and the crew and models had split up into lots of little groups to get more films shot at the same time - I was with Lucy and three young, blond male spanking models. One of them was a RL friend (who is into spanking, but has never got involved with it professionally), one was a camp little primadonna who wasn't based on anyone I know, and the other was - wait for it - my (entirely vanilla) little brother.

In the dream, we were running late and Lucy was stressed and I was guilty - and I didn't realise until just before we were meant to start filming that I was meant to be topping. The scene was a school one, with all three boys in school uniform and me leading a punishment assembly in which they were all, one by one, brought up to the front and spanked. I have very little experience at topping and I completely freaked out. I couldn't do it. Lucy had to swap places with me and play the role herself, while I mooched about being miserable and feeling like a complete failure.

After mulling on it, I decided that it was only acting and I was jolly well going to go through with it, so I changed my mind and took over from poor Lucy, who was fairly unimpressed with me by this point. I handled the verbals okay, but when it came to the spanking I was completely rubbish. You know those dreams where you're trying to run from something, but you can't, it's like you're running through treacle or water and everything's in slow motion and you can't get away? It was like that. I couldn't bring my hand down with any force at all - it was like swinging it through mud. My smacks were useless and the boys were rolling their eyes at each other impatiently while they waited for me to get the hang of it. I was trying harder and harder to spank them, the panic rising, but I could barely manage to touch their bottoms. My arm was being resisted by the very air itself.

It kind of makes sense that I should have a performance-anxiety dream about topping; it's like dreams about taking your driving test when you can't drive, or playing a solo on an instrument you don't know how to play. Those kinds of dreams tend to focus on a skill which is inside your worldview, but not one you have any personal expertise in.

But the weirdest thing about it was that there was still quite a lot of spanking in the dream, which I was mostly watching other people do, and despite everything I still found the spanking erotic. The arousal clashed with the anxiety until my headspace was all conflicted and messy. I woke up feeling fretful and confused ... and irrationally guilty about involving my brother in such sordid activities, even if it was only in a dream.

I don't know what you think, but the meaning of this dream is pretty clear to me: I need a spanking. Best anxiety relief I know, and it should also settle any remaining confusion about whether I'm designed to be a spanker or a spankee!