Tuesday, May 13, 2008

are you sitting uncomfortably? Then I'll begin...

I posted not too long ago about the spanking trope of "not being able to sit down afterwards", and how it's not something that affects me much.

Well, this is me eating my words.

I've just spent two days making a very intimate, intense three-part film with my Mr C. Returning to reality has been accompanied by the inevitable disorientation - I've been sat at my desk all day, feeling bewildered and wishing I was back in that isolated cottage in the windswept moors, being drilled in deportment and scene manners and etiquette, having my submission pushed to the limit. (Or, at least, to my character's limit - we were both ready to take it further until the director stopped us and told us to reign it in a bit! But then, trust can do wonders to my pain threshold. My character didn't trust her disciplinarian anywhere near as much as I trust Tom - at least, not at first - and her resentment and fear were much quicker to overwhelm her.)

Anyway, I'll tell you more about the shoot once I've filmed my videodiary and the finished movie is ready to go online. In the meantime, I was fascinated to find that sitting down yesterday was painful every time I did it. Sitting on kitchen chairs in the cottage; in the car; on the hard iron bench in the deserted rural train station; on an uncomfortable seat in a tiny rural train carriage; on a leather armchair in the pub where we had dinner; on the rather more comfortable padded seats of the Virgin Pendolino express to London; on the cosy sofas in Tom's living room. Each and every one elicited a surprised wince. I didn't get used to it; every time took me by surprise.

Of course, my indignant "ow!"s only made Tom grin at me - which was, I'll admit, part of the fun. When I was pouting and wriggling on the hard iron bench on the deserted train platform, he suggested I might be more comfortable lying across his lap. I decided he was right, stretched out full-length on the bench with his knee lifting my hips, and carried on reading my book. I was interrupted by a swift demonstration that he hadn't had my comfort in mind at all. My body was still flooded with endorphines from the various abuse I'd suffered at his hands that day, and I willingly abandoned my book and gasped and wriggled under the firm spanks, offering barely a protest when he lifted my skirt and spanked me over my lacy panties in the open air. We were both disappointed when he sensed someone approaching the train platform, and swiftly helped me adjust my clothing and sit down on the bench again before they came into view. Not least because sitting down again hurt almost as much as the spanking had, and the spanking was much more exciting.

Anyway, I take it all back: sitting down afterwards is a significant part of any serious punishment. I guess the reasons I was so blazé in my previous entry were as follows:

1. The afore-mentioned super-healing powers sported by most spanking professionals or regular players.
2. I don't often play as hard in private as I did on this shoot. The desire and intention are there, but (as I explained in a comment recently) real life often gets in the way. I wouldn't say it was rare for me to be bruised, but it's not regular, either. Most shoots are fairly moderate. Shooting with my Dom is unusual, and the CP is likely to go further than a normal shoot, or indeed than most scenes we play in private. We both like to play hard, but we rarely have time for the kind of extended scene that results in this sort of tenderness.
3. Most scenes I play with my Doms these days take place in the evening, before bed. Even if we play an intense, drawn-out scene that leaves me with some welts and bruising, by the time I wake up in the morning the worst has usually faded. This was the first time I've played hard, and then still been awake and active for the rest of the day. After a hard scene I usually get a whole night's sleep to rest and heal before my bruises are tested by sitting down.
4. On a shoot, much more than in private scenes, the rest of my body is working as hard as my bottom. I spent most of yesterday trying to stay poised and graceful in high heels, maintaining various difficult positions during my punishments. I loved it - but the muscles in my bum would be aching from the workout even if I hadn't also been beaten. My legs and tummy are feeling the results of the exercise as well as my gluteus. It definitely contributes to the overall soreness.

The flash of pain when I sit down is exciting - don't get me wrong. But it's also painful, and, perhaps surprisingly, I'm not at all used to it. Time to apply more arnica cream, I think.

5 comments:

Ludwig said...

Sounds like an exciting shoot. When two people have such an intimate connection, it's great to see it immortalized on film. Much more psychologically intriguing than when it is all "strictly professional".

It's interesting that your thoughts on severity seem to mirror mine quite a bit. I don't play hard all the time - actually, I do on pretty much every occasion when I switch, but then again, these are rare for me, I want to make the most of them in every way, and I don't mind being marked for some considerable time.

But as a top, I often play quite a bit lighter and thoroughly enjoy it. I do have a vicious inner sadist and a severity fetish, but it only really comes out when I have a strong intimate connection to the "victim". If that isn't there, then the urge to push the limits isn't there, either. But when I have a lot of affection for someone, there is a definite desire to punish her *hard*. The stronger the affection, the stronger the desire.

It's a bit puzzling, perhaps - of all things, why do cruelty and affection go hand in hand? Why the urge to hurt the most those whom you care about the most? Then again, some psychologists flatly say that, for the erotic sadist, the infliction of pain is an expression of love. And I believe it's quize accurate to put it like that.

Adele Haze said...

Goodness, that sounds like fun. Who were you shooting for? Come on, tell.

Pandora said...

Ludwig - Thanks for your comment! Your analysis of your sadism is interesting. I think this is something that differs between tops. Tom is a CP sadist and he likes playing hard. He happily moderates his play to the limits and circumstance of whoever he's playing with, but ideally, I think his kink would like to play hard every time. D, on the other hand, doesn't enjoy severe CP for its own sake - his kink is control. He likes having power, abusing power, visibly demonstrating power. CP is one of the ways he exercises control over a sub, but it's not the one he's most interesting.

I don't know if the motivation of submissives/bottoms varies to the same extent. Like Tom, I have a hard CP kink. I don't fantasise about the gentle, lovey stuff. My fantasies are physically extreme and often non-consensual, or the kind of consent that arises from complete helplessness. Of course, my play doesn't mirror my fantasies. But the closer I am to a play partner, the closer our play can get to the hard CP of my fantasies. I think there are three basic factors here:

1. Trust - the most important. If a top does something I wasn't expecting, or something close to a limit of mine, or otherwise throws me off balance, trust is what will keep me in subspace rather than breaking the scene and questioning his methods. I can't submit to someone I don't trust, and the deeper my trust in them, the deeper my submission can take me. If I feel completely safe with a dom then I'll relax and let them take me wherever they want. I open up completely; I relinquish all control. With professional tops, or players I don't know very well, I don't relinquish all control - I bottom rather than subbing, and a part of me is definitely keeping tabs on what's happening. Being a submissive I infinitely prefer a scene where I can let go completely, relinquish all responsibility to a trusted dom and know that they'll keep me safe, play it right, and take me to places I hadn't foreseen.

2. Familiarity. This is connected to trust, but it has value of its own. The more often you've played with a dom the more easily you're able to predict their moves. Even if you don't have the intimate trust of romantic partnership, you grow used to feeling safe around them and to seeing their decisions play out well. It's easy to let go and allow someone else to make the decisions if you've seen then handle it well several times before; if you're familiar with how they work, know their style and preferences and signals.

3. Love and admiration. I define my submission as a fundamental desire to please that's written through my personality; the more I love and admire someone, the stronger that desire is. I have it for most people I like - and I have it for professional directors - but if I'm working to make my Dom proud of me, there's very little limit to how hard I'll try.

My CP kink tends towards the severe, but I'm only interested in physically exploring that with people I'm comfortable submitting to. To everyone else I'm just a bottom, and my interest in playing hard is significantly reduced if I'm not submitting. There's no point. To some extent, while I get off on this and have my own tastes and kinks, I don't do this for me; I do it to please my Dom. If I'm not trying to please them, I have no real interest in trying to push myself. It seems pointless to me.

Pandora said...

Adele - it was English Spankers; not a full-length film sadly, but three 10-20 minute website clips which are part of the same story. It follows on from the series I wrote about here - Mr C plays a friend of Miss Montana who acquires my character for a period of time, with her consent and within the terms of her contract to Miss Montana, to train her in service. The idea is that he's used her in sessions before and been impressed by her, but she doesn't actually know anything about him. It was all drawn from to the training Tom gave me when I was 19, although inevitably abridged. :)

Ludwig said...

Thanks for your reply, Pandora, very interesting indeed.

There are different types of tops and bottoms, obviously. For me, there are plenty of things that are exciting about topping - the imagination and exploration, learning about someone's fantasy, fulfilling it, the athmosphere and personal chemistry. But when it comes to what I really crave, it's less about control and power and much more about sadism.

Needless to say, I only go as far as my playmate is comfortable with. I'm a CP sadist, not a sociopath, and there certainly isn't any fun in over-stepping hard limits or turning it into a genuinly unpleasant experience for the victim.

I only play severe with women I know well - if anything, I tend to be over-cautious with someone I play with for the first time, even when I know she is into severe stuff and has done it before. It's a complaint I sometimes get after the first time: "Well, it was nice, but not quite hard enough...!" I don't usually get it after a second session, though. :)

But it's not just caution that makes me hesitate to get severe with someone I don't know all that well (some bottoms are a bit over-optimistic about their limits). It's also that there isn't a very strong desire for it. Sure, playing hard can be fun for its own sake - the marks, the feel, the howls. But without a strong emotional connection, it's not nearly as intoxicating as it can be, and I don't have such a strong urge to do it.

I'm at my most gleefully sadistic with someone I love and care about deeply. It's not about infliction of pain for its own sake, it's about the psychology of pain. That's the interesting thing - what it does to her, the reactions you get, the places it can take her in her head.

At least that is what I aim for, and it is a bit of an artform (can't say I'm perfect at it, but I do my best). I try to find exactly that right limit, where she "hates it, but loves having hated it (aferwards)". If that makes sense. If you go a tad too far, she just "hates it, period", and that's no fun, so it requires a bit of delicacy.

I think the biggest misconception about sadism (often held by vanillas, but even by some kinky people) is that it implies disregard or disinterest for the victim. "I don't care about her, so I'm going to beat the living daylights out of her!" For me at least, the exact opposite is true. And it's the psychology of pain that I get off on, not exercising my right arm or beating someone for its own sake.

It does require trust and familiarity, but what strikes me most about what you wrote is the point on love and admiration. That is probably the essence of it for me. As I said, the sadistic glee really comes out with a "victim" I love. That's when I want to take her to those places and "show her". And to see her willing to go there (the desire to please, as you write) is something I take as a proof of love, I suppose, so for me, loves comes into it from both ends.

As well as that, I just adore "brave girls". I suppose you can see that in my movie reviews - not only do most of them cover fairly severe movies, I also tend to give the most attention to the defiant, determined, dignified girls. To see that wonderful spark of defiance, and to see it broken in the end (but only temporarily, and not easily so) is a very heady thing. Admiration definitely has a lot to do with how my inner sadist chooses his favourite "victims".