halfway out of the closet
My parents have just come home from a year abroad. A year in which my blog has drawn record numbers of traffic, I've attented public political protests as Pandora, had a guest post published on a UK mainstream blog, and started work on producing my own kinky porn site.
They know I model, and I let them think it's mostly the classic art nude stuff. They'd be disappointed if I let them think I did cheesy glamour stuff, so I've told them I'm a fetish model, and hinted that it's mostly about high heels and corsets. Which is certainly true of some of my work. But it's not all of it.
I'm not a well-known latex fashion model, and never will be, and it's kind of arrogant to pretend I could be. But my parents and I are very close, and I find it difficult to enjoy the intimate conversations we share while omitting this huge portion of my life and career. There's decent money to be made by successful fetish fashion models, which accounts for the proportion of my income I've earned from modelling over the last few years.
The problem is that I'd like to continue speaking out for kink and sex worker rights, and the more visible I get the more I'm in danger of being outed. I'm not as careful with my personal details as some, because I find it difficult to draw the line between being raw and honest in my writing, and fretting about how much info someone needs to put two and two together and get the name my parents would recognise. While my parents weren't living in the UK, I was less worried about this, and it was easier to censor information during our phone and email conversations. Now, they're home, and recent family trauma has brought us closer together. This blog, my new site, my political explorations, have been an increasingly important part of my real life the last few months. When Pandora first appeared on the scene, she was a persona; now the name rings just as true for me as my birth name, and I no longer feel like I've got a split personality. The different facets of my self are fairly well integrated. And I don't want to deny half of me.
But I can't tell my parents what I do. It's not that they'd think it was immoral or unhealthy, although that's a risk. It's that if my mum knew I flew out to new cities or countries where I don't speak the language, to be thrashed by people I'd never met before, she would worry. I couldn't stop her worrying. And it's not fair to do that to her.
Maybe one day, when I have my own fairtrade feminist porn site, maybe then I could tell them. But not yet.
However, I also can't tell them anything that's been going on in my life right now without mentioning the new site, which is occupying a huge amount of my energy and attention, and about which I am ridiculously over-excited. At first I just referred to "writing projects". Which was true: I've done a lot of scriptwriting this year.
Last night, I took it up a notch. I told them I'm opening an adult stories website. That I'm coding it all myself, doing all the branding and business development, as well as the creative stuff. Which is true. It explains why I've been so busy the last few weeks, and why I'm buzzing with positive energy. "Would it be terribly embarrassing to let me read any of them?" asked my mum, whose collection of Black Lace books opened my eyes to my sexuality at the tender age of 10. "Yes," I said bashfully. "They're a bit personal."
Selfishly, I'd rather be totally honest, and I feel bad for lying, but I think this is the best way. I guess if I want to be more honest with them in future, I can build on the white lie and tell them I've branched out into photostories and films. For now, I've stuck my toe out of the closet door. That'll do.
That's why I'm so happy I could finally tell my mum what I do. Of course I'm not so much into all of that as you, but still it just felt bad not to share with her such an important part of my life.
ReplyDeleteI think I made her NOT to worry...though she might have just denied to herself that my kinky world is about something more than just spanking. But she will get used to it at some point...I hope ;)
And I do hope that one day you will be able to share you true story as well :)
Your very brave, Pandora, when two of my spanking films came through from Roué, there was a need to watch them straight away. One DVD didn't play which was a shame. The other one was a joy to watch. I often wonder what my parents would think if they stumbled across the DVD or a site which showed my face. I have no problem with showing my face, but I do have to think about my partner, Nomi and what the effect would be on here. It is part of my last blog entry which I tried to explain that. One of the major problems with spanking is that it can be seen two ways, one that it is on par with abuse or violence against women which it isn't or it can be seen as a nice pervy kink. You have no idea how your parents are going to sway do you? They could be shocked to their core, mainly and an old saying comes out here and that is, "what would the neighbours say?” In some respects it does loom over what you do, that there has to be an element of hiding what you do from people who don't understand that you are getting something very special from the kink. I know that my parents have in the past had a copy of Janus in the house, but it’s not something that you could engage them in conversation about without such a squirming level of embarrassment. So for you to tell them as much as you did, Pandora, well done from both Nomi and myself
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've been thinking about recently, too, though for entirely different reasons. Obviously, people are different, but even if your parents suspect you might be into something "dark" they may be happier not knowing, and giving them too much information might prove more than they can handle.
ReplyDeleteI would also suggest that there's a difference between Pandora the (emerging) public spokeswoman for sex rights and kinky causes, and Pandora the star of spanking movies. So that even if your family knows that you're Pandora the activist, they wouldn't necessarily discover the rest - unless they went out of their way to look. You could just tell them that you know many people in the industry, and are in a position to speak out on their behalf.
I was struck by one of Max Mosley's comments at the Commons the other day, that the women he associated with were "terrified of their mothers" finding out. He stressed how secretive the S&M world is, how it never occurred to him that he might be exposed - and yet, as you know, some of those women are very well known as stars of spanking films. As you are yourself, of course - again, without prejudice to your "real" self. Then again, there's the cautionary case of Georgina Baillie. Still, as long as you don't sleep with any celebrities you're probably OK.
It's not only your parents who worry. You do take some risks! You've had your bottom badly marked... that will take it's toll on a national treasure if you do that too much/too often. You have had your breasts thrashed quite often too. They are even more open too damage. Please be careful, we've heard recently of one spanking model who has stopped filming because she has taken too much in the past & now marks too easily. Please don't let it happen to you.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you! I am sure though that you will in the end know what is the right way forward. Trust yourself!
ReplyDeleteI think you're being very smart and brave - you're absolutely right, IMO, that honesty is sometimes a selfish luxury, and much as I can imagine the temptation is strong, I think you're right to resist it.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting post btw. I've always been fascinated by the split persona issue - I think I mentioned it in comments once or twice before when it seemed relevant but haven't recently because you didn't seem too keen to respond so I got the impression perhaps it wasn't something you were comfortable talking about. But since you've raised it hopefully it is OK to pick up on it!
I just wonder: given that you have enjoyed considerable success as a spanking model and could reasonably assume that anyone with more than a passing interest in BDSM will recognise you, doesn't it make you constantly ask yourself if people do? I can imagine I would be forever spotting every odd look and reading in a knowing smirk, every time I ordered a pint or took my suits to be dry cleaned. But to reach the stage you describe where you don't feel like you're hiding a persona inside the real you and your different identities represent, as you say, two halves of yourself, must be very liberating - I guess you can basically just say 'so what' and not worry who recognises you or how. It must just be weird not knowing how many people every day see you and know (something of) who you are; you could be getting as many 'hits' as a mainstream film star but most people probably wouldn't say anything so you'd never know.
Actually, do people ever say anything?
This kind of thing is always a big dilemma and the solution often depends on the personalities of the people that your dealing with (in this case your parents), personalities that as readers we cannot and perhaps should not know about.
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
That's a tough spot alright. Personal, family, political, business... a lot of balls to juggle around one center of gravity.
ReplyDeleteTwo things are clear to me at least: 1. You have a kind nature, and 2. You have a good and tender relationship with your parents.
So you should be fine. It WILL be awkward at times, but that is true of all living creatures. I myself will never tell my parents that I like to spank women, but then again I'm not in the business end of it and my society isn't currently proposing legislation against it.
You are a tough girl with a sensitive nature, so if you go easy and never make a decision while angry or depressed you should do fine.
On a more important note: new website? Where? Where!?!
PB
Kami - oh wow, I envy you your ability to confide in your mum! Mine knows I'm kinky, but I think she would just worry herself sick if she knew about spanking shoots.
ReplyDeleteI do sympathise about feeling like you're over-sanitised it. I mean friendly spanking is much easier to explain than horrible non-consent scenes. I feel the same when I'm trying to talk about BDSM to a vanilla audience. In explaining why it's affirming and normal it's easy to make it sound too nice.
Zille DeFeu linked to a fantastic article about this recently:
"I like brutes and bullies with a nice line in contempt. I like back alleys, seediness and squalor. I like scary scenarios that make my heart beat faster. All these things break down the ego and strip away the veneer of the civilised self. And when you’re without that constructed identity, when your dignity and self-respect have been put on hold, then boundaries shift, inhibitions are lost. If anything, those who like to indulge in being broken down need to have a very secure sense of self. They must be continually piecing themselves back together again afterwards."
Which makes perfect sense. But I'm not sure I could explain it to my mum.
Jake - my attitude is that if someone "stumbles across" a site or DVD that shows my face, they're almost certainly a spanko anyway! My concern is more about this blog being linked through something political, which someone completely vanilla might easily come across.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are unlikely to see my kink as abusive. They know I'm kinky in private, although they've made it clear they don't want to know any more. Telling them I do it professionally is very different, however. It's the working with strangers aspect which is potentially concerning. Nothing to do with "what would the neighbours say" - although my parents are both fairly public figures themselves, and might legitimately be concerned for their own career and reputation. The reason I don't feel able to tell them is that I don't think I could persuade them I wasn't putting myself into danger.
Heresiarch - Your first paragraph is bang on the money. They know enough not to ask any more. That's fair enough, it's an understanding between adults.
I feel horribly pretentious talking about all this as if I was some sort of spokeswoman, because obviously I'm not yet. But I'd like to continue on the path I've barely begun to tread, and that does involve a certain amount of thought.
Unfortunately I don't think I could tell them about Pandora the activist without them googling. I don't think it would be unreasonable of them to google, and if they're going to find this blog or references to my spanking/BDSM work online, I would really really rather tell them about it first. I don't want their first impression to be out of my hands, if you see what I mean.
Strangely enough, my dad made a very similar comment to your last when I started nude modelling. "You don't want to end up like Heather Mills!" he fretted. "What if you want to go into politics or become a lawyer?" I don't, and thankfully, I think most other careers are safe - unless, indeed, you sleep with someone famous, in which case God help you.
Jambali - Thankyou for your concern, but I don't think I'm taking physical risks. The people I work with are very safe, and breast play in particular is kept incredibly mild. I've never even had welts on my breasts that lasted over night, and certainly not anything that would leave a bruise or mark. (Not from working, anyway. In private, perhaps...) If nothing else my Doms would never forgive me if I ended up permanently marked! I'm certainly less in danger of developing a weak spot or scarring than people who work more regularly - for example, doing private sessions.
ReplyDeleteWinchester - thankyou for the reassurance! I'm very lucky to be able to be as honest with my parents as I am, and to be mostly out in the rest of my life.
Jon - Thankyou so much for this comment. It's nice to know that other people get this.
I'm not sure I can expect to be recognised, as much as you seem to think. Sure, I get a pleasing amount of traffic in this corner of the blogosphere, but that doesn't translate to real life. I occasionally get emails from people asking me if it was me they saw in London yesterday, but so far it never has been - I clearly have a doppelganger!
I do wonder, if I get a certain kind of look on the tube, whether I've been recognised. But mostly on the tube I'm in work clothes and no makeup and glasses with my nose in a book, and so perhaps people can't be sure. I've certainly never been approached by anyone in person. (Except at Night of the Cane, but that doesn't count!) I wouldn't mind at all being recognised as Pandora in public, unless I was out with a colleague or my parents - in which case it would be very very awkward! So, er, guys, if you see me out and about on my own feel free to say hi, but if I'm with older or normal looking people, I'd appreciate if it you keep your counsel :)
Prefectdt - Absolutely right it depends on the people, which is largely why I didn't ask anyone's advice! It's an interestingly complex issue though, especially ethically as regards the selfishness of honesty. Tie that into legislation which threatens personal privacy, and the popular idea that only guilty people have something to hide, and the whole area becomes really quite fascinating. But yeah, the individual decision is just that - individual - and it would be nice if everyone was able to respect that as much as you do.
ReplyDeletePB - Yep, I'm getting lots of practice in ball-juggling. I reckon you're right, and I'll be okay. But obviously there's an anxiety there. I suspect if my parents find out about the truth through other means, they will feel hurt, worried, disappointed, betrayed - and of course I don't want that to happen. Trying to balance my desire to be as true to myself as possible in this forum with the need to protect them definitely calls for compromise on both sides.
I'm anxious that there is enough info out there for someone malicious to make huge trouble for me if they wanted. I'm anxious about how easy it will be to keep my identities separate once I start running my own online store. I tend to be anxious, but in web privacy I don't think it's possible to be too careful - and I'm less careful than I could be. On the other hand, this blog, these projects are real and important enough for me not to want to entirely compartmentalise them, to only reveal certain safe details, to not put much of my true self into them. So it's a trade-off. If I was completely 100% careful, it wouldn't be worth doing.
The name and url of the new site will be released soon. I've bought the domains, but I need to design a promo page before I send anyone to them. I'm as impatient as you are, but I'm working fulltime at my vanilla job at the moment, and there are so many days in the week :)
Kid (I'm calling you Kid now because it makes giving advice easier for me) Kid, life is juggling balls. We should be grateful. Life, for our ancestors, was digging in the dirt hoping some urine-stained knight took pity on us.
ReplyDeleteBut history is just that: history. You exist now, and you have conflicting emotions. Not an enviable position. But also not an unusual position.
By the way, you writing "reckon"--adorable yes, but are you saying it right? Because it's an important word in the colonies. See "The Outlaw Josie Wales" on how to say "reckon" right.
Of course you are anxious. You are alive, and you are playing the game. Anxiety is the name of the game. Be honest with yourself and you'll be fine. What great evil have you done?
If your goal is not to hurt another, you will be surprised how much people can understand and accept.
You get spanked from time to time by a good person--so you parents no longer love you? You, the little snot creature they struggled and suffered to raise? No, they still love you, red bottomed or not.
Sit well. Rest well. You are a good girl. Take things as they come, and deal with things as they come.
PB
P.S. There are always bastards. Screw them. Let them burn in hell. Never {female, NEVER) let the bastards keep you from what you want. Ever. You are only a free creature if you live that way.
Another really interesting and thoughtful post in which you've laid out the issues beautifully. It's a strange thing, not being able to be completely honest with my parents, even though we're very close. Even though in my case it's only about my private life, I do think they'd worry if they knew. If they find out, they find out, and we'll all manage, but this seems the better route for now.
ReplyDeleteSounds from your description of yourself on the way to work that only Prefect would be certain to recognize you. :-)
Pandora: "My concern is more about this blog being linked through something political, which someone completely vanilla might easily come across."
ReplyDeleteIt's all my fault, this, isn't it? Sorry! Still, you were a consenting adult...
But I think you're wrong to imagine you don't have a cohort of more-or-less vanilla readers who simply love your writing.
This has been a really fascinating thread, by the way. You're right of course, about people Googling you. I told an aunt about my internet identity the other day, and then realised she'd go and read my thoughts about necrophilia. Oops.
Pandora wrote:
ReplyDelete'But I'm not sure I could explain it to my mum.'
I can't help wondering about those Black Lace novels your mum used to own. Perhaps she would be more understanding of the essential kink than you imagine.
If you were in the army--and being sent all over the world to be shot at by strangers-- your mum, I'm sure, would be proud of you; but she would be deeply worried also.
It would be the thought of you being exposed to the kindness of strangers that would no doubt worry your mother about your actual work. Though I admire you greatly, it worries me, too. Why not tell her a little, and let her find out the rest?
Its strange isn't it. Its really all down to the way other people see spanking as a nice pervy interest or something darker. Yes your right if someone stumbles across the DVD then they will be a spanko! Its if the blog gets reposted in the Vanilla world. In the 70's if you were a spanking model it was very easy to keep it a secret but now with the internet its not so easy. Changed names are all well and good, but your face remains the same! I think we need to look back at last year and remember that some very lovely spankos were outted in the press, this is where things get messy. Its if your vanilla friends and family see you in that context that they then start to get worried.
ReplyDeleteCourage! I'm afraid you'll need to face the possibility that you'll one day be outed, and you (and they) will deal with that as it plays out. After all, you've chosen an unusually public face even for someone "in the business", as it were.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best, and I want to thank you -- not only for sharing your beauty, your love for experiencing the joys and pains of a spanking/bondage lifestyle, but also for speaking out for freedom, for supporting social justice.
There may come a time when one's personal sexual persona will be left to that person alone to choose, when only the distant fringes will condemn from their ignorance and fear. When that day comes, it will be people like you who have brought it about.
Again, thanks for everything, and I wish you the very best.