newsflash: disabled people have sexualities too
I recently discovered the Feminists with Disabilities blog, who have a lot of good stuff to say on body politics, accessibility and identity issues, class politics, mental health and suchlike. Ophelia and a few other queer, kinky, disabled friends and I have long talked about a website project about kink and disability, with tips for sex activities that suit limited mobility or low energy, articles about managing chronic pain, fantasies that include disabled and ill people, book recommendations and general solidarity about having a body that doesn't work properly. I'm able-bodied, but neither of my partners are, so this is close to my heart, and I think I'd be able to contribute usefully. It's still something I'm keen to do if I ever find time.
Feminists with Disabilities definitely have their heads screwed on right. I was nodding all the way through their recent introductory post on disability and sexuality:
Disabled people, like non-disabled people, have all sorts of sexualities that can change throughout life. We can be queer and straight, poly and mono, kinky and vanilla (which is not to say that all of those are exclusively sexual identities, either). Not everyone is into or can have PIV intercourse, and all kinds of sexual activity are as legitimate as the participants consider them to be.
Most of the comments on the post were pleasingly kink-aware as well, and raised some important issues:
As a kinky queer person with disabilities, I have to say that one of the big challenges I face is playing with able bodied people who are afraid of “breaking” me or who think that I don’t know my limits. And I definitely understand that fear, but it kind of plays into the whole “people with disabilities are fragile” trope which can sometimes be a huge barrier to sexuality, especially alternative sexuality. And it can be really disempowering to be told that someone else knows my body and my limits better than I do.
I have a fairly visible disability in that I’m totally blind (I prefer visually impaired but no TABs [Temporarily Able Bodied people] seem to know what it means so I’m forced to only use it in PWD friendly spaces to avoid having to explain all the time) anyway, this combined with the fact that I’m quite petite used to mean I got harrassed all the time at college by guys who seemed to be turned on by my apparent ‘vulnerability’, this was very creepy and also incredibly frustrating as they’d pretty much reduced me to my disability. I’m not ’special’ and I don’t need ‘rescuing’ and I’m definitely not playing the damsel in distress to fulfil anyone’s fantasy. The problem seems to be that if you’re blind then you’re allowed to have a sexuality as long as its passive so you just become an object for somebody else’s fantasies. Well, I’m sexually dominant and bi (predominantly interested in women) so where does my sexuality fit in this?
The kink community, of course, has its pros and cons:
I don’t like the BDSM community trope that leather sex is better and I’m part of the BDSM community. I’m less active in it these days and don’t volunteer for stuff or go to meetings and events, but I’m definitely oriented that way and have been since I can remember having sexual thoughts (like when I was six or seven). So I’m cranky about the attitude because I run across it all the time.
That said, I very much like the BDSM community’s inclusion of people with disabilities[1], fat people, older folks. The sort of people who ’shouldn’t’ be running around naked do and it’s excellent. Most events I’ve been to recently have at least one workshop on disability sexuality issues and there are lots of folks with assistive technologies; sign interpretation is provided to make events accessible to Deaf people.
[1] Though one of the few Dallas hotels that’s willing to host our events and is big enough is not accessible; the only elevator that goes to the meeting space floors (there are four levels of them) is a service elevator in the kitchen. Seethe.
I remember my own rage at the lack of disabled access at the venue chosen for Night of the Senses last year - appalling given it was a fundraiser for a charity promoting inclusivity and access!
I think the kink community is more inclusive of imperfect bodies than is normal in our society. And I love the way it's so normal for us to talk about boundaries and limits that it's easy to extend that conversation to people with disabilities. But the kinky porn industry is far from perfect. Not only are disabled models never featured (unless it's a special-interest fetishising a particular disability, and that sort of niche is not only objectifying and offensive, it's also not really part of spanking/BDSM), but the websites tend to fail at accessibility for the hearing and vision impaired. And there are the ongoing problems with access at meetups and events. There's still work to do.
If you're interested in this topic, keep an eye on the FWD blog: it's got some good stuff on it. You might also enjoy The Deal with Disability. The author is Eva, a queer twenty-something who channels her frustration at being treated as if she wasn't an adult woman into a funny, smart, informative blog. Reading it, I feel as if I would be far less good-natured about the ways people mess up, if I were in her position. But it's a great way of learning how to mess up less when interacting with people with severe mobility or communication issues.
Eva talked about her sexuality in an interview with Lesbilicious this summer:
Many of your videos show people treating you like you’re invisible because you have a disability. Do you feel invisible as a queer person too? If so do you think the two are connected?
“Well I think people don’t believe that disabled people can have sexual identities. So I guarantee not many people realise I’m queer (even though I have a button on my backpack that says ‘I heart vaginas’).
And its not like when you go out to do errands you announce to the world ‘I’m queer!’ I am on the butch side, so the main encounter I run into is that people often mistake me for an 8 year old boy.”
How do people react when you tell them you’re queer? Do you think you get a different reaction to non-disabled queer people? If so why?
“Again, I don’t tell random people that I’m queer, but in general I believe most people don’t think about disabled people as having sexual identities. Its like we’re made to be asexual.
So when I do tell people I get a lot of TMI questions. For example, strangers have asked how I have sex. Often, I ask them the same question. That usually shuts them up.”
(read more here)
There was a writer on Lust Bites blog who used to write porn specifically about handicapped people's sexuality and I don't get the impression it was targeted to a handicapped audience but to normal folk who found the handicapped somehow especially appealing sexually.
ReplyDeleteLust Bites was a blog co-written by several erotic authors, several of them British. Although it hasn't been updated in nearly a year, I believe all the old content is still up there. Here's the URL: http://lustbites.blogspot.com/
Then there's a chapter on the subject in Adam Parfrey's anthology "Cult Rapture" titled "Please may I touch your scar -- Queasy hours among I Can: a cult of sex-obsessed cripples". Another chapter titled "The Endangered Freak" explains how women in circus freak shows had no shortage of suitors in spite of their unusual appearances and physical anomalies.
As Jim Morrision said, "People are strange" -- and I don't think he was just talking about physicality.
It's a real wilderland out there trying to really tease out and understand what turns people on sexually.
And of course people are not just strange they're different -- in their sexual tastes, I mean.
I have just finished reading the latest "Lincoln Rhyme" novel, by Jeffery Deaver. Whilst in no way "kink" related, I was interested to note that this book does take care to address the issue of sexuality for a quadraplegic.
ReplyDeleteThe main character, Lincoln Rhyme, is a forensic scientist who works from home in his wheel chair. He has a relationship with a police woman, and his sexual needs, and his ability to fulfil them are part of the story.
Deaver also remembers to mention the care-giver as well as some of the needs of a quadraplegic.
The book that I have just read is "The Broken Window", which also addresses another topic quite close to all of us - that of identity theft and the misuse of personal data stored on computers.
Roger W
AMEN!
ReplyDeleteThat bit about people flirting with the blind girl because she was 'vulnerable' was pretty crappy. I'd challenge them to a round of fisticuffs, that's for sure.
I guess its probably hard to sort out the guys (and gals) who are genuinely being sincere and helpful, and those seeking to take advantage. Also, someone who has lived with a particular handicap for X amount of time, may not want assistance or outward kindness from others, as its almost an assumption that they cannot handle things themselves.
But anyhoo, speaking for guys, I know a lot of us can be pretty rotten, and I don't doubt for a second that some act the way the commenter described. Personally, its not the disability that attracts me, but its the strength in dealing with it that rocks my socks. I have several friends with disabilities, and aside from whatever physical manifestation it shows as, you would never know it from their personality or behavior alone.
Well its late and I'm rambling (hoping nothing came out wrong) but the point is, I agree. Sexuality, and all the fun deviations we as humans come up with, don't and shouldn't know any boundaries of race, gender, handicaps, etc.
Of course its all part of the larger "we're all created equal thing." So everyone get off your high horse, or I'm gonna eat it. Love me some horse stew.
I read that there's a new fashion of eating in the dark as a sort of novelty restaurant, and that it got its start from a guy who was looking to find employment for blind people. They were the waiters at the first such restaurant.
ReplyDeleteNow other restaurants have taken up the idea. Some require diners to wear blindfolds, but the more hard core ones employ blind waiters.
I guess the idea is that blind waiters don't need to see to find their way around -- which is, curiously, trading on an ability they have developed, which normal people don't have. I guess the descriptor: "differently abled" is really accurate in this case.