boys on film

It's the Thursday morning of New Year's Eve. Tom's got a cold, and he went to bed early last night while Jimmy and I stayed up late, high from the shoot and giggling over rude webcomics. When I come downstairs the next morning Tom's bundled up on the sofa, drinking tea and feeling sorry for himself. I climb into his lap for a cuddle, then smilingly arrange myself over his knee with my elbows folded on the arm of the sofa, allowing him to inspect the damage from yesterday's shoot. He deals me a couple of slow, hard spanks over my knickers, one on each cheek. I ow and wiggle appreciatively.

Halfway through all this, Jimmy comes downstairs. "How are you doing?" Tom asks him, casually rubbing my bottom.

Jimmy looks thoughtful. "I'm fine - I was just waiting for my shocked reaction, you know? And then I realised ... there wasn't going to be one. After yesterday I feel incredibly normalised. It's lovely."

We grinned at him. In my opinion that's one of the best things about shooting; it's pretty cool he got to experience it that quickly.

--

My aims for this shoot were as follows:

1. Introduce Jimmy to the experience of filming spanking porn in a safe environment. As well as getting his head around the practical and technical sides of the job, I wanted him to have fun and do some interesting scenes with believable characters without being pushed too hard, or having to do anything he wasn't into.


2. Play some final, climactic scenes with Zoe before she flew back to Australia.


3. Realise some of the hot X/mf fantasies I've had brewing for the past few years.


4. Put my money where my mouth is, and make some socially-conscious, female-gaze, hot boysub porn which people will want to watch.

Personally, I reckon the shoot was a success on all counts. Jimmy certainly seemed to enjoy himself. And I can tell you now: this boy is a star.

The first scene we filmed was called "Taking the Blame", and stole a leaf out of Tom Sawyer's book. Jimmy and I played young friends who were always getting into mischief. They're at the age where although they each have a burgeoning crush on the other, neither dares act on it. When his aunt finds out about their latest scrape, Jimmy gallantly takes the blame - even though Pandora was the culprit on this occasion.

His aunt decides that the most effective way of driving her point home will be to pull down his jeans and boxers, and give him a sound spanking in front of his young friend. My character is embarassed and horrified - these certainly weren't the circumstances in which she'd dreamed about seeing her best friend's naked body! Although Jimmy is frantically signalling to her to keep her mouth shut so their ordeal will be over as soon as possible, she can't bear to watch him take the punishment she deserves. She confesses her guilt, and begs Zoe to punish her instead.

Of course, Zoe intends to do no such thing. One of them has clearly lied to her, and in her opinion they're both as bad as each other. An excruciating tawsing follows, during which both teenagers try to avoid each other's eyes. Afterwards his aunt gives Jimmy a piece of her mind, telling him he thinks he's such a knight in shining armour, trying to impress his little friend - but he ever tries to mess around with his partner-in-crime, Zoe will ensure the two of them never see each other again.

It was a fast-paced scene, and ended up shorter than we expected - a "short sharp shock" to borrow Northern Spanking's phrase. It whizzed by so successfully that we completely forgot to take any stills, so you'll have to wait until my site's online to watch it. Although I might try to post some screenshots after I've tackled the editing...

The second scene was a re-run of a clip I filmed with Zoe a couple of years ago, for a company which never went anywhere. I have to say, it was massively improved by the addition of a good-looking young man.





The Head Girl is shocked to discover that two of her prefects have been conducting a reign of terror under her nose for two whole terms. Prefects are allowed to dish out lines and detentions to younger pupils they catch flouting the school rules, but only the Head Girl and Boy, the teachers and the Headmaster are allowed to administer corporal punishment. Nonetheless, this terrible twosome have been doing exactly that. The Head Girl strips them of their prefect privileges, and decides that the only fair response is to give them a taste of their own medicine.



She punishes them with each of the implements which she has discovered they have used on younger pupils. With each implement, she drags the story out of them. Despite their protests and excuses, they have no choice but to bend over and endure what they have so irresponsibly handed out.





The third scene was an intense fantasy I wrote some time ago. Zoe and Jimmy were my ideal casting for the other two characters, but I wasn't wedded to the idea of doing it on this shoot. It was an edgy, difficult scene to tackle; it involved Jimmy and I switching with each other (which was an enormous challenge, as neither of us are particularly switchy); and I had quite clear ideas about what I wanted, which put a certain amount of pressure on the scene.

When it came to it, though, we were on a roll: we were running not only on time, but (unheard of!) ahead of schedule; the three of us had clicked as well as I'd hoped we would, and our improv was flowing effortlessly; Jimmy and I were both on a high from the previous two scenes, and keen to push the boat out a little.

I haven't looked at the footage yet, so I'll save my comments about how well it went until I've done the editing. But from an actor's, rather than a producer's, point of view, this film was amazing. It was so hot I was actually wet afterwards (slightly weird given Jimmy and I have more of a brother/sister dynamic than a serious flirtation). It was intense and edgy and brilliant. I am so, so glad we did it.

The scenario goes, roughly, like this: a young couple are in detention again for breaking the school's six inch rule. Their teacher has punished them for making out behind the bikesheds, in the broom cupboard and everywhere else countless times - she is sick of the sight of them. She has loads of marking to do, and she honestly doesn't believe that another spanking from her will teach either of them a lesson.

So she comes up with a new approach. Knowing how fond they are of each other, she instructs each of them to spank the other one in turn. If the spanking is insufficiently severe, she will take over and give the victim a sound, no-nonsense over-the-knee spanking that will leave them red and sore. The other will then have to follow suit, and make sure it's hard enough this time - or the whole process will start all over again.







I ended up going over Jimmy's knee twice and Zoe's once, for an excruciatingly fast and painful dose of the hairbrush. By the time it was my turn to spank Jimmy, I knew better than to try and be lenient. But every stroke I dealt him made me wince. I couldn't bear the knowledge I was hurting him. It was tense and squirmy and horrible, and both of us cried, and beneath the character I loved every second of it. I think Jimmy did too :)

the implements left behind

I have a confession to make: I still haven't unpacked my suitcase from the shoot with Jimmy and Zoe. Since then there has been New Year with D, work, and several days spent hibernating in bed and cuddling a heat-seeking kitten, rather than venturing out into the cold of my flat to do housework. The suitcase is still, in fact, behind me as I write this, bulging with unfolded school uniform, stockings, shoes and implements.

The implements are all my nicest ones, because I wanted Jimmy's introduction to video to be reasonably gentle. My Mason & Pearson hairbrush, my soft two-tailed tawse, my black leather paddle, my ruler and my two canes - all of these are still packed.

I realised the downside of this when Tom started spanking me last night, and the only implements left in my toybox were the nasty ones. The ones I thought would be too harsh to use on Jimmy's first shoot. The wooden clothes brush, the little round bath brush, and the heavy brown leather tawse.

It had started gently enough. I leaned in for a kiss; the kiss turned into a longer kiss, and then his hands were slipping underneath my warm winter pyjamas and tugging the bottoms down. I was entirely willing to roll onto my front, bare cheeks exposed and the rest of me still snuggled in duvet and bedclothes. I hugged the pillows with both arms and made appreciative sounds as he started to spank me.

One slow, loving, teasing spanking later, I was pushing my hips back for more. He helped me kneel up properly, back arched and bottom offered submissively, and started to step up the pace. Tom's hands can really pack a wallop, and at each harder smack I would yelp and twisting away before quickly returning to position. I didn't want him to stop, but I couldn't manage to stay still, either. I found myself being held tight against his hip, one arm around my waist. I loved the feeling of being kept in position, helpless as he dealt me a slow series of hard, stinging, fleshy smacks.

Then I was on my hands and knees in the middle of the bed, breathless and turned on, but knowing that I wouldn't be able to keep my bottom nicely arched for him if he continued at that force. Tom reached behind him and brought the bath brush out of the toybox. It looks small, but it's fiercely stingy and quickly becomes unbearable if used fast. I may have whimpered involuntarily.

"Get in position, love," he said kindly.

"May I have some pillows?" I asked nervously.

"You may."

Being able to rest my tummy on pillows made it easier to stay put, and the first few strokes weren't too bad. By the end of the spanking, though, the stinging brush was getting really difficult to take. I was crying out and grabbing at the sheets, and Tom's target was moving around more than it should have been. But he wasn't finished yet.

"Stay there," he told me. "I'm going to give you six with this." I sneaked a peek and was horrified to see that he was holding the heavy brown tawse. It's made of a stiff, thick leather, and leaves wide stripes that burn and throb, all along their length, for many breaths after the first unbearable blaze of sting.

Serves me right, I suppose, for not having more palatable implements to hand in the bedroom.

His voice and hands were soothing, though, as he reassured me that I was only getting six, and I wouldn't have to count them or thank him, just make sure I returned to position after each stroke. I nodded. I didn't think of disobeying. I didn't want to disobey. I felt safely cradled by his firm authority; comforted by the love in our power exchange. But I knew this was going to hurt.

It did. It really, really hurt. I tried to stay quiet and still for the first few, absorbing the pain with my breath, feeling the energy shudder through my body. But the last three made me yell and jump up. I didn't need reminding to get back into position each time, but my whole body was shaking as I lifted my bottom for the next explosion of pain. Each time my obedience was rewarded with a rough, tingling rub almost as painful as another smack, but which I welcomed nonetheless.

There was an even better reward waiting for me when it was over, though. A counterpoint to the heavy, thuddy tawse in the form of a certain cat toy. This hadn't made it into the shoot suitcase as it doesn't really have the right look for domestic or school discipline - a happy accident. He proceeded to set my tenderised bottom alight with tiny, stinging strokes that quickly had me moaning in pleasure. Afterwards he said he hadn't been sure how I was reacting to it, so let me state for the record that it was pure, erotic deliciousness.

I would never have chosen that bath brush or that tawse for a consensual, loving spanking scene - but D/s isn't always about my choices, and he was gentle where it counted. When I'm able to let go and submit to it, I love to be pushed, to submit to his choices even through my fear. It makes the fun stuff that happens next so much more satisfying.

Ms Howard's little girl

Before we got to the exciting F/mf scenes with Jimmy, Zoe and I filmed some custom age-play clips which a reader had asked for. They were very squirmy.

out with the old, in with the new

Happy new year! I hope 2010 has been good to you all so far, and that the coming year brings you joy and satisfaction.

Graham has raised the question of kinky resolutions, and although I hadn't really thought about it, I realised I do in fact have some. Like Pixie, I don't like the false custom of new years resolutions, but I am a bit of a self-improvement nut and I put huge amounts of energy and determination into pursuing my dreams. So the new year isn't the only time I make resolutions, but it's a useful time to take stock and look back on what I've achieved.

2009 has been a massive year for me in some ways, and low-key in others. I've put most of my energy into work and creative projects - both kinky and vanilla. This has left less energy for socialising, meeting new people and lovers, and spending quality time with my partners. (I suspect I'll be chasing after that elusive perfect balance all my life.) I've managed to squeeze in more than I thought I could, but it's been a draining year as well as a successful one, and it would be nice to use 2010 to rejuvenate rather than drive myself further into exhaustion.

Still, it's been worth it. In the past year I have:

• filmed with Pain4Fem in Slovakia, which included taking the most severe cold caning of my life
  
  



• been a petgirl, and modelled at BoundCon - including doing a stage show, and playing with someone I'd only met that evening
  
  



• experienced the bullwhip (not hard) and watched it used on someone else (extremely hard...)


• played with some wonderful new people, including kinky sisters Graham and Caroline Grey (not at the same time, alas)
  
  



• written and produced a film for Roué, which involved casting one of my all-time favourite spanking models in one of my all-time favourite fantasies (words cannot describe the buzz I got from this!)
  
  



• started filming content for my own spanking site - a process which was slower than I'd have liked thanks to my heavy workload, but I'm pleased with my progress nonetheless.


• modelled for explicit sexual content ('hard b/g') for the first time, also for my new site. This consisted of D and I doing what we normally do, while Tricia and her camera made herself invisible in the background. There was much giggling. It was extremely hot, and the pictures turned out way better than I expected.


• edited video for the first time


• met and made porn with Zille and Malc, people I have been wanting to meet since I first started reading Zille's blog


• joined Zoe Montana as an "extra" in her private sessions, as her plaything being punished alongside her clients, although the gentlemen themselves weren't allowed to spank me. This was a thrilling and rewarding experience, not least because of Zoe's and my electric connection when we're working together. It's reinforced my impression that 1-2-1 sessions are not my thing, and there are probably very few tops/switches I would be comfortable doing this "cheat" with, but the experience was very worthwhile, and all the more precious because I knew it wouldn't last long.


• invested my own hard-earned money on my new site, including buying cameras and related gadgets, hiring tech people and actors. Financial independence is a huge deal to me; being able to spend my own money on a new business even more so. It makes me feel thrilled and grownup and excited, and I wish I could afford to do it more often.

So what's in store for 2010? Well, although I'm a compulsive planner, in some ways 2010 is a big unknown. There's some stuff in the pipeline which, if it happens, will dramatically change my life, but which I don't want to talk about until it's confirmed. Some things I can be sure of, though:

• One way or another, Tom and I intend to finally move in together this year. This is a source of great comfort and joy to me: living alone has been massively important and significant, but more and more I find myself thinking life would be so much easier if I could come home to him. Given how much I cram into my weeks, and his chronic illness, time and energy to play is hard to find, and both of us feel this would be much easier if we didn't have to plan and travel and schedule time together, we could just seize the moment when it arose. If and when this happens, I hope that domestic spankings will become a much more regular feature of our lives.
  
  Related to this is the fact that since our relationship has become less angsty and more settled, we haven't tried to rejuvenate the domestic discipline which was a feature of our first passionate fling. I'm older and prouder now, and less inclined to take instruction, but I still feel an urge to be submissive to my partners in more than just the bedroom, and I could certainly still benefit from a little instruction now and then. In particular, I think D/s has the potential to really help with my anxiety, and I could always use a little assistance with exercise and time management. (My problem these days is working too much rather than not enough, but balancing work and leisure continues to be an area I need to focus on.) I don't think either of us has grand ambitions of a sudden lifestyle upheaval, and I don't think I'll ever be a lifestyle slave, but we both accept there isn't space in our lives to develop this aspect of our relationship at present, and we would both cherish the chance to do so.
  
  Of course, with all these changes it is just as important to me not to compromise my relationship with D, and to remain as committed to him as ever. He's not as interested in this sort of formal domestic power exchange, but our connection is equally powerful. I love him deeply and he improves my life more than I can say. Whatever happens, I don't want to lose what we share.



• My main professional ambition this year, of course, is to launch my new site. I don't know if this is achievable - everything is dependent on my vanilla work, which I depend on financially, and which (because I'm self-employed) is so unpredictable. If I don't have time (or funds) to invest in developing my site, such is life - there's nothing I can do about that except work hard, save as much as I can, and be patient. My effort and focus is not the issue so much as opportunity. I trust myself to do my best, and I understand that if it doesn't happen, it will not be for lack of trying. But I would dearly like to see all my work so far come to fruition this calendar year.



• Despite working with many wonderful women over the years through shoots, I have never successfully developed a private D/s connection with a woman. My play with Zoe has all been professional - despite the intensity of our connection, it's never crossed over into the personal sphere. My girlfriends have, almost without exception, been submissive, and while I've dated some switches, I've never seriously played with a female lover. (The one exception is the beautiful and impressive Olivia Manners, but although I admire her a great deal, our first attempt to play somehow didn't really click, probably because my head was in a strange place at the time. I like the idea that we might try again at some point, but so far I don't think it quite counts as successful D/s.)
  
  All this is by way of build up to the fact that for the last few weeks, I have been enjoying an intense flirtation with a gorgeous toppish woman I have fancied for some time. We've done lots of flirting at group social events, stayed up late talking, stolen some tantalising end-of-the-night kisses, and we've even done all the sensible negotiation stuff by email (including my wibbling about how I've never subbed to a woman and ARGH what if my head is BROKEN blah blah, in response to which she said all the right things). In fact, so far we've done everything except actually play, but we have a date next Wednesday and I am ridiculously excited. She's as inexperienced with CP as I am at subbing to women, so we're going to be learning together, and our connection seems honest and playful and open, and all the omens so far are good. I will hopefully let you know how it goes - after checking that she doesn't mind me writing about it, of course. So hopefully I will be able to fulfil that ambition very soon in the year indeed, and spend the rest of the year basking in my success. We'll see!

So there you have it. How about you? Was 2009 a good year for you, kink-wise? And what do you have in mind for 2010?

vote for spankee of the year 2009!

Voting has opened on the Spanking Spot for Spankee of the Year 2009. For a US site, there's a relatively good showing from the UK contingent - European nominees include the delectable Amelia Jane Rutherford (who I believe was last year's winner), Amy Hunter, Kami Robertson and me.

I've just voted for Amy, because she was such a star during our shoot with Pain 4 Fem in January, and because she completely stole the show on Strictly Come Spanking, and her performance has rocked my socks every time I've rewatched it.

Here are my nomination pictures, because I don't think I've posted them before, courtesy of Sound Punishment:





Oh, and while I'm here - voting is still open for the Spanking Blog of the Year award, as well.

festive lights

These photos are pretty old - they're from my third ever nude photoshoot, in Christmas 2005. But I don't think I've posted them before, and they perfectly express the cosy, glowing week I'm having.









Merry midwinter, all. Hope you're as surrounded by good food and booze and warmth and love as I am.



(photos © Duncan Grisby 2005)

Christmas spanking roundup

I wrote a long entry on Monday about meeting Zille and Malc, and my (lack of) social energy during the shoot, but I wrote it late at night and decided to sit on it a bit before posting. Now it's two days later and I don't want to publish two mopey posts about the shoot in a row, but I've had no time to write anything else. My internet at home only started working again last night, and between festive preparations, shopping trips that are always more time-consuming and physically exhausting than you allow for, and the hectic push to get work projects finished by new year ... I'm going to get it all done, just, but it's been pretty crazy.

Although outwardly the last week and a half have been pretty vanilla, spanking is never far from my mind. In fact, in some ways this week has been pretty kink-heavy. Let's see...

1. I haven't yet seen any of the images from the shoot with Zille, but I sneaked some photos of my bum in the work loos, as is my wont. I realise I haven't actually told you anything about the scenes we played yet, but here are my marks three days later:



I still intend to write about those scenes, btw. I just have to get the more recent stuff out of my head first...

2. On Monday, Zoe Montana and I had booked what would probably be our last two-to-one session together before she moves to Australia in early January. We were both looking forward to it, but at the last minute she had to cancel, having come down with the same fluey stomach bug that everyone's caught lately. She's feeling better now, and we've managed to reschedule our session to the 29th, which I honestly wasn't expecting at this late notice. I understand it will involve black hold ups, heels, and the cane. And possibly wine. As I write this I'm idly wondering whether cheekily wearing a Santa hat will earn me extra strokes.

3. We won't be able to play too hard, however, because the next morning Zoe and I are shooting for my new site. I wasn't expecting that, either, but all power to her for squeezing it in - we've got the day, booked the venue, and Michael Stamp is kindly stepping in to help with cameras and lighting. The star of the show, though, will be young Jimmy Holloway; this is will be his first video shoot. I couldn't think of a better top than Zoe to guide him through his first spanking on camera. I'll be getting punished alongside him, because I have an abiding fondness for scenes where boys and girls get spanked together, and they're all too rare in porn. Since our photoshoot in February he's done the odd M/m session as a spankee, which has given him valuable experience, but I suspect this is going to a be a different kind of thing.

This time I intend to have lots of fun, make sure everyone else is having fun, and not get too stressed. I'll let you know how that goes. ;)

4. Oh, and I've also been commissioned to do a couple of short film clips by a reader of this blog, so I've been working on that this week as well. Eventually, the intention is for these to be published on my new site as well. This is the first time I've done custom video - it's very different from producing my own material. It's a bit of a departure from the rest of the stuff I'm producing, but variety is the spice of life, and all that. Anyway, it's an interesting experiment. If the client is happy and everyone involved has fun, I'll consider doing it again.

5. Last Thursday I had the pleasure of meeting @rogerwilcox and his partner - albeit far too briefly, thanks to my crammed schedule. He gave me a handcrafted Christmas gift, which is just so generous - I am extremely appreciative :) I'm leaving it wrapped until the 25th, but can you guess what it is...?



6. On Sunday I finally - after many months of procrastination, DVDs getting lost in the post (and my flat), and life getting in the way - watched the edit of Acquiescence that Michael Stamp sent me some time ago. There's backstory here: after two days of hardcore editing, by the end of which we were both pretty pleased we'd got the structure we wanted for the story, he suffered a software failure. The file got corrupted, and our hard work was lost. Michael, bless him, spent ages recreating the edit from memory, and as I didn't have time to travel back down to go over it with him, popped it in the post to get my feedback. He really shouldn't have had to wait as long as he did (and I daresay I will come to regret it next time we meet up!) but re-watching it reminded me how invested I am in this film, and how much I want to get it right so I can show it to people.

(As it turns out, the only sensible thing for me to do is travel down again in January to help out with the final stage. Man, film-making around a fulltime job is a slow, slow hobby. I wish I could do it full time ... but I'm working on that. And then I daresay I'll miss doing everything else. I am not designed by nature to only do one thing at a time.)

7. The last sections of Strictly Come Spanking have been released! I'm saving them to watch after I finish work tonight, but voting on the finalists ends tonight, so if you haven't downloaded them yet, go and do that now. And then vote, because that will make the lovely people at Northern happy :)

8. Speaking of voting, some kind soul (I don't know who, as I can't find the comment) has nominated me for the Spanking Spot's Spanking Blog of the Year award. I don't realistically stand a chance against such internet superstars as Chross and Pixie, and I don't think I deserve to win after how erratic my posting has been lately. But you should vote - even if it's not for me. :)

9. It's been snowing in London, but I've learned my lesson and haven't attempted any more naked snowy photoshoots. In fact, come to think of it I haven't been spanked since the cold snap landed (although if Tom's and my thoughts were deeds, I'd have been over his lap a dozen times in the last few days. Instead we have been making kinky eyes at one another in company, and then crashing in a tired heap as soon as we're alone. Ah well).

Luckily, I can live vicariously through Emma Jane, who endures all sorts of things so I don't have to. Like a punishment spanking in the snow, in front of a crowd of friends, which started with HH rubbing snow into her bottom before smacking her. *shiver* I am extremely glad that wasn't me. But I don't mind sadistically enjoying the image from afar...

more than I can chew

I don't know where to start writing about the shoot on Monday. It was amazing, hot, exciting, successful and satisfying. It was also difficult, stressful, and triggered a massive anxiety response which is still dominating my memories of the event. I don't know how to start writing about the good stuff before I've processed the bad stuff, but I have too much vanilla work to do this week to take the time I need to process it, so the bad stuff is just going round and round in circles in my head.

Make sense? No, probably not.

Okay. Ever heard the phrase "biting off more than you can chew"? This could have been written to describe my attitude to making spanking porn.

Anyone who's ever heard me talk about this, any time in the last three years, will know what I mean. When it comes to making spanking porn, I am like a naive, over-enthusiastic puppy. I'm idealistic, ambitious and passionate, I'm willing to work hard - these are all good things. I have filled a database with upwards of 60 script ideas and I add more to it by the day. I have grand visions of making ethical, socially-conscious, politically-responsible porn - and blithely assume that if it's hot enough, I'll be able to sell it anyway. I write scripts that are incredibly fiddly and difficult to film and edit, even though I don't even know how to use my new camera equipment yet and am wholly reliant on the expertise of my technically-minded friends; even though the only video editing I've done in my life was with Michael Stamp sitting next to me and telling me what to do.

I know all this. I know that having highbrow ideas at this stage is silly. I know I should chill out, start small, not aim for too much too fast. But a combination of big ideas, optimism, confidence, hard work and good team-members has enabled me to work miracles in the past. I learn best by throwing myself in at the deep end. It's always a gamble, and more times than not it pays off. But things don't always go to plan.

--

Now, the way I'm working up to this, you'd think I'd have broken a camera over Zille's head or something. I can assure you that my models were only harmed in the ways one would expect on a spanking shoot ;) The problem is my head, and it's wholly internal. Before I explain what the whole mess in my head is about, let me just note down what actually happened on Monday:

- Tom, Zille deFeu, her partner Malc, the Mystery Minx and camera-wizard J all descended on Olivia Manners' beautiful wood-panelled flat for a day of debauchery.

- We made three films, all between 15-30 minutes in length, some more complicated than others.

- We also took lots of hot photos.

- It was really really hot. :)

- Then we all went out to dinner, where I proceeded to lose my grip on reality, fail to participate meaningfully in any of the fascinating conversations about politics and polyamory and academia and society going on around me, and very nearly fell asleep in my bowl of moules.

So what's the big deal? Well, see, I exclude any of my head-drama from the above precis because I know it's not a big deal, not really. Although my paranoid hindbrain is trying to convince me that everyone involved now loathes me for being an annoying unprofessional waste of space who should never be let in charge of a shoot again, I am choosing to proceed on the assumption that my paranoid hindbrain is incorrect.

I'm new at this. I have lots to learn. Here are some of the things I learned on Monday:

- If you're writing a script that involves multiple lighting setups, multiple rooms, shooting out of order, etc., the ONLY way to survive the experience without going insane is to create a storyboard. Attempting it without a storyboard will result in the loss of your morning / mind / all your friends.

- Also, it will probably take about twice as long as you think. Double your estimated time and add a bit extra to be safe.

- Do not assume that power points will be available wherever you need the lights to be. Bring spare extension cables.

- Do not assume that the lights/cameras/microphones will work properly first time. Schedule in testing and failure time at the start of the day to get everything working.

- Do mention to your camerapeople that you have spare memory cards, which they can record straight onto and give you back at the end of the day, thus removing the need for complex, time-consuming data transfers that may or may not work.

- Do not forget to get your models' ID shots at the start of the day, so that they have to politely remind you at 5pm.

- Before the shoot, do not get so involved in writing and re-writing elaborate scripts that you forget to do such basic things as, e.g. printing copies of the callsheet, release forms, etc.

- Even if you think your schedule is watertight, build flexibility into it officially. Don't write "we're going to do four clips" on the callsheet and mentally acknowledge that okay, if you need to drop it to three, you'll drop it to three (but you'd really rather not). Write on the callsheet: "we're going to attempt as many of these as we can, and it will take as long as it it takes. It doesn't matter if we finish two or three or four as long as we have fun". If possible, inscribe it directly onto your brain. Otherwise making the necessary, sensible, flexible, responsible decision to drop the last scene when you run over will feel, despite previous mental notes, like a failure.

- When you have only produced one video shoot for yourself before, and that a) only involved trusted friends, and b) happened nine months ago, do not massively over-reach yourself by trying to organise a big professional shoot with lots of people you don't know, before you're ready, just because you fancy Zille deFeu and can't wait until the next time she's in the UK to dive into all your complicated elaborately plotted scenes. If you are at the stage in your learning curve where what you can do well is straightforward roleplay scenes in front of a static cam, there is no shame in doing straightforward roleplay scenes in front of a static cam. Trying to do more and failing will not only make you feel like shit, it will annoy the professionals you've hired who have to work through the ensuing chaos, it certainly won't impress anyone, and people will probably conclude that you were trying to show off.

--

There's lots more I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about the scenes themselves, and how hot they were, and how they get hotter the more distance there is between now and my stress on the day. I wanted to write about Zille and Malc and how I am still glowing from the joy of meeting them, and how I want to spend another day (or week, or year) with them, when we're not working and I'm not a tired stressball of anxiety. I wanted to show you photos of my bruises, which have a similar quality to the ones I sported after my shoot with Pain4Fem, at least on my left cheek. I wanted to whinge about my physical fatigue, all the myriad aches and pains one collects during a 17 hour shooting day when you're already feeling run down. I wanted to write about the nature of responsibility as it relates to submission and modelling and acting and production. I wanted to write about money, and the emotional difference between being paid to be hurt on camera, and paying people to hurt you on camera. I want to squee about our outfits. I wanted to write about the last scene of the day, the hard caning that I didn't know I needed until I was crying very real and very unexpected tears after that agonising high stroke, and suddenly the tension inside me (that had been there since the first film took over four hours to finish rather than two) finally started to ease.

Right now, however, I am taking my tired, bruised self to bed, where I will hopefully fret less about everyone hating me for being a terrible producer than I have on all the previous nights this week. I did a long, tiring 1.5 days of invoicable work today, and my schedule tomorrow looks much the same. But I'll try and squeeze in another half an hour to write, if I can.

a very Victorian birching

I've spent most of the last week plotting historical scenes for my shoot with Zille de Feu and her Master on Monday. I am ridiculously excited - about meeting them, working with them, and about the scenes we have planned. It helps that Zille and I appear to have almost exactly the same taste in edgy, unfair Victoriana. I will admit to also being kind of nervous about shooting with two such experienced porn producers and photographers - this is still only the second shoot for my new site (it's been a crazily busy year), and it'll be the first time I've hired other models to film my own material. But so far, the excitement is winning.

Given I've spent the last few days gleefully immersed in period scenarios, it's perhaps not surprising that NSI's latest Victorian offering caught my eye:



The scene is called A Very Victorian Birching, and it's a feast for the eyes. The natural light is absolutely gorgeous, and Zoe Montana looks beautiful. She maintains her poise throughout a long punishment, despite her tight corset and uncomfortable-looking position bound between two trees.

Michael Stamp, looking terribly debonair in a velvet smoking jacket and exuding quiet authority, applies a sequence of horrible-looking implements to her bloomered derrière. The selection includes a bundle of switches, a carpet beater, and twenty strokes of a stiff thick cane.



Based on Zoe's fantasies of being punished as a Victorian maid by a firm but fair master, this scene is incredibly visually appealing. Zoe is very submissive, struggling to be brave as she takes her strokes, despite her guilt and shame at disappointing her master. It's a quiet scene, not much dialogue - the only sounds the cracks and whimpers of the whipping, distant birdsong, and Michael's calm admonishments. But the tension is palpable.



This film was made for me by Zoe's reaction to the ninth cane stroke. The caning comes at the end of a relatively severe punishment, during which she starts to struggle to control her responses. But this one moment took my breath away. The strokes lands - and the camera stays focussed on Zoe's face, watching the emotions flicker across it like clouds. A whimper, a fluttering purse of the lips, a sharp intake of breath ... then she swallows, closes her eyes, and visibly absorbs the sensation. Her shoulders settle and her gaze calms.

When she finally speaks - "Nine, master" - her voice is soft, almost wondering. Unbidden, she adds, "thankyou ... thankyou, master". She hadn't been instructed to count these strokes - her gratitude is genuine. It's an exceptionally real moment.



Watching films that include these genuine submissive reactions makes me want to play more than almost anything else. I crave that place of sudden calm, when your body learns to accept the pain and it becomes transmuted into something else entirely. At that moment the scene changes from being about the pain consuming you, to you consuming the pain. Watching it happen to someone else reminds me why I'm into this in the first place.

unbelievable answers

Thanks to everyone who posted answers to my The Unbelievable Truth game. The most popular answers were 1 (spanked in a church) and 3 (spanking games with my brother), followed by 2 (timed hairbrush spanking) and 5 (discipline during my degree). The only option which no-one picked was 4.

Well, it is with a certain amount of smug glee that I announce that the only truthful statement in that list was, in fact, number 4! I guess sometimes the truth really is unbelievable :)

No-one's going to believe me if I don't provide details, though, so here's the breakdown:

1. The most outrageous place I've ever been spanked was in a church as a teenager - I was dating a vicar's son at the time.

False. I've had sex in a church a couple of times, in various different circumstances, but I've never been spanked in one.

2. I was once given a timed, rapid punishment spanking consisting of one spank per second for two minutes with a wooden hairbrush.

False. This scenario has always been a fantasy of mine, but I've never quite dared to fulfil it. Tom has given me timed hairbrush spankings as real punishments in the past, but they were only timed in duration, not in pace. I suspect they averaged rather less than one spank per second.

3. My brother and I played spanking games a couple of times when we were little kids. I always wondered whether he felt the same way about it as I did.

False. The closest my brother and I got to this kind of thing were half-serious playfights or indoor wrestling bouts, which tended to escalate from tickling matches or minor bickering until I was about 12. It was fun to really physically let rip once in a while, and while we had no compunctions about hurting each other, it was in that safe sibling way where you trust them not to go too far. It always felt like a very healthy way of relieving tension, but there was nothing sexual about it.

4. The first time I met Tom was on my first ever nude shoot, when I was just turned 19, and the first part of me he saw was my bottom - before we were even introduced.

TRUE!

Okay, here's the full story:

I was nineteen, and it was the end of the summer after my first year at uni. Since leaving home I'd been trying to pretend I was vanilla (as I think a lot of us did at that age). I'd quit self-harming, a habit that had dogged my teens, and I was convinced that my kinky fantasies were part of the same urge. I was determined to resist them, and for my first year at uni I had a lovely, charming, totally vanilla boyfriend with whom I had frequent, vigorous sex - and tried to ignore the darker fantasies and desires that kept threatening to surface. I'd been a goth/geek/gamer all through my teens, and when I went to uni I was determined to start afresh, re-invent myself as "normal" and learn to fit in. I managed it pretty well, but I wasn't being true to myself, and I wasn't happy.

I spent the next summer living with my parents and working in a crappy temp job. I was depressed and had no remaining friends in my home town. My boyfriend lived at the other end of the country. I started seeking out interesting people online - goths, geeks, roleplayers, actors, artists, cross-dressers - and as I made new friends I began to feel more like myself. It inspired me to get back in touch with an old friend who had moved to London and got involved in the London goth scene.

"Come down for the weekend!" she said. "It'd be good to see you. Be warned, though, there'll be a couple of girls having a naked photoshoot on the Saturday. We can stay out of their way, I just didn't want you to be too freaked out."

A naked photoshoot! All the messy hedonism of my sixth form years rushed back to me. London seemed like another planet. I arranged to visit, feeling freer than I had in months.

The weekend was a whirl of parties and new experiences. My friend, C, lived in a huge goth houseshare where people were always coming and going. The girls doing the photoshoot were lovely, a gorgeous couple who wanted some nice pics of themselves and had invited a photographer friend to help them out. C and I ended up invited to join them. Giggling, we tried on different outfits, played with makeup, drank wine. I'd never posed for a camera before and I had an amazing time. C and I played with some kinky poses; me blindfolded, her hand wrapping around my throat. I was tipsy, giddy, exhilarated by the newness of it all.

As it started to get dark some of her housemates came up to the attic where we were shooting, checked out what was going on and got introduced to us. I was in the walk-in wardrobe with my back to the door when I heard a group of people come upstairs, voices as the others greeted them. I was struggling with a suspender belt - I'd managed to attach the front two clips, but the rear two were defeating me. I yelled to C in the next room - "Can someone come and help me with my suspenders, please?"

Moments later I felt hands taking the clips from me and guiding them into place. "There you go," said a male voice. I looked round, half-turning to see who had helped me. A dark-haired man with amazing blue eyes and a trim goatee beard was kneeling behind me, his face only inches from my scantily-clad bottom. "Hi," he said, "My name's Tom. I live here."

"Um - nice to meet you. And thanks!" I stammered, and introduced myself in return.

It was, as they say, the first day of the rest of my life. Of course it didn't go smoothly from there - I still had the vanilla boyfriend, I was nineteen and very confused about what I wanted - but hey, we seem to have worked it out okay in the end :)

5. During my degree D. and I had a deal which resulted in me getting spanked either way. If I did my work on time, I got to choose the implement and scene: if I didn't, he did.

False. Tom and D. both gave discipline spankings during my degree, and Tom and I had a deal for a while where I told him my weekly targets and he punished me if I failed to meet them, but we didn't keep it up long - real life got in the way. D. and I have made this sort of mutually-beneficial bargain in other circumstances, though!

whipped on the table

This set of Kami on Sound Punishment presses so many of my buttons.



Victorian underwear, pulled aside to reveal only the vulnerably naked bottom cheeks. Polished wood, cool and sensuously smooth under her body, but slippery and making it hard to stay in position. The position - raised humiliatingly high, spreadeagled on an item of furniture at which, perhaps, the girl sat only this morning to eat a nervous breakfast, knowing what awaiting her. Or perhaps this was an impromptu punishment, delivered where the misbehaviour occurred? The rest of the meal would be spent in silence; the girl waiting, staring into her lap as maids rustled around her, clearing the remains of the meal. When, afterwards, she was instructed to remove her outer clothing and position herself for her whipping, would the servants remain to watch?

undignified spanking self-portraits

This morning Eliane raised the subject of taking photos of stripes in work toilets. As far as I am concerned, this practice is entirely a good thing if it results in the tantalising glimpse she posted of her rather delicious marks. It is also something of which I have a certain amount of experience.

I have never been able to get the hang of self-bottom-portraits without a mirror. However I position myself, camera angled over shoulder or lying on the bed, the best I can hope for is this:



... And even that with a ridiculously low success rate resulting in dozens of blurry pictures of my bedroom wall. So, mirrors it is. I'm a bit lacking in full-length mirrors at home, and my flat is so tiny that the reflections tend to be dominated by all my stuff rather than my vain self. At one point my mirror was at the top of the stairs, which enabled me to send D. photo messages such as this one:



But since it also carried the risk of the mirror falling down the stairs and killing me, it didn't stay there long.

This reliance on mirrors has obvious consequences on the question of sneaking photos of the results of last nights' play in the work toilets. At my current workplace, the cubicles do not contain mirrors, but there are full-length mirrors by the sinks. I am not above waiting until no-one else is in the loos and recklessly flashing the place to sneak a photo in the mirror. No-one's caught me at it yet...


(Results of my first session with Zoe Montana, hastily snapped in the work loos - the eagle-eyed will detect the sink and taps in the background)

At my previous workplace, the toilets were somewhat more private; each little room containing a single loo, sink, and mirror. You could lock the door and take photos without fear of disturbance. However, the mirrors were not full-length - in order to frame one's striped bottom perfectly for a shot, one was obliged to clamber up on the sideboard, one foot on either side of the sink, and balance precariously while trying to get the camera angle right (an experience familiar from my first glamour shoot - clearly I've gained no dignity since then):



Of course, ideally I'd always wait until I had a willing companion to help photograph my marks, but sometimes when you're sitting uncomfortably in the office, head whirling with the previous days' memories, there's nothing for it but a quick-n-dirty self-portrait. Or is that just me? Spankees, switches, shameless exhibitionists - Have you succumbed to the temptation of sneaking pics in the work loos? If not, what are the most amusing lengths you've ever gone to to snap a memento of your play?

Strictly Come Spanking

One of the first things I did when I got back home, of course, was download all the latest material from Northern Spanking. This has provided me with:

1. Enough delightful porn to cheer me up at the end of a long day - and rekindle my somewhat-neglected kink;

2. Blog material for at least a week - because of course, I have to review it for you and let you know what I think, don't I?

Now, I don't normally write about films before they've been fully released - when something is published in sequential clips, I'd rather wait and see the whole thing before expressing an opinion. But this evening I'm going to have to make an exception. You see, I have just watched the first two parts of reality TV extravaganza Strictly Come Spanking - a production so stimulating that I couldn't help make over-excited notes as I watched.

So, for your delectation and delight, here is my unedited, real-time live-blogged commentary on Strictly Come Spanking - parts 1 and 2:

- Strictly Come Spanking: ONLY NORTHERN COULD DO THIS



- Hilarious intro sequence! Is that Paul Kennedy I see sporting a rather camp quiff?
- Fantastic intro by Amy Hunter. I sense a presenter career in the making! Bit heavy on the artificial smoke...
- OMG THE JUDGES - LOVE IT! Actually crying with laughter!
- Stephen and Leia. I hadn't realised before how tall Stephen is - he dominates Leia even in heels. Very debonair! Love the ballet poses, and the slightly mincing motions as he starts to spank.



- Actually I think all spankings should take place to cheery big band music, judges watching with pursed lips.
- "We've practiced ... ALL WEEK." Hee!
- Love everything about Tess - the hammy faces, the interrupting, the standing in front of Leia ...
- LOVE the score card paddles!
- OMG BELLA RIGATONI'S ACCENT!!!!! The animosity between her and Aileen Philpotts!
- "SERMOULDERING. YOU EENGLEESH ARLOT." Hang on, is she Italian or German? Or French?
- "HAND MET BOTTOM FLESH LIKE BOTTOM MEETING HOT TOAST." Eileen can't actually keep a straight face. Or - hang on - is that a flirtation I'm sensing between her and Bella?



- Okay, Amelia-Jane and Hwyel. Oooh. Figureskating spanking, without skates! Punctuated by breathy gasps and tossed hair. Slightly uncontrolled, but definitely SERMOULDERING. The flamenco music suits well.
- Like me, Amelia has to go slightly onto her knees to be passionately kissed by her Dom. I can attest that this has its advantages.



- Goodness me, a slight wardrobe malfunction! Was that deliberate?
- Hrm, judge catfight. Is Craig Breakfast-Cereal going to end up with one or both of the female judges over his knee?



- Oh, Amelia is entirely delectable. I don't know how she does it. Mmmmmm.
- Haha, love that Eileen is the first judge to applaud!
- "Panting away, like something just off the Serengeti there, aren't we!" I think Amy was born to play Tess. Ahahaha - she agrees with me about the deliberate wardrobe malfunction!
- Amelia hiding her laughter by pretending to cry. Smooth. In the inset she looks entirely innocent, like someone off a BBC period drama.
- Craig to Bella: "What is this that comes out of your MOUTH?" Bella: "ALL I WANTED TO BE WERE HER THROBBING BUTTOCKS. THEY WERE LIKE A COUPLE OF FERRETS IN A LEETLE BAG."



- Aileen: "like an eager schoolboy sucking up his first banana milkshake through a straw." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. Impressive ability on the part of all three judges to keep a straight face, though.

End of part one! THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVOURITE SPANKING FILM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AS OF THIS DAY.

- Part 2! Syra Garcia and Paul Kennedy. Ooh, and some rather cheeky jazz. Smiles all round! Nice little bottom wiggle there from Syra. Not sure about the hand-wavy dance moves though.



- Oh, I get it! It's a reference to the golden age of magic shows!
- Or possibly silent films.
- Or ... pinups?
- Aw, missed opportunity there to get the bottom in the spotlight.
- Cute wave from Paul at the end there!
- Tess: "That really ... went, didn't it? Didn't it just ... go, ladies and gentleman?" *snort*
- Aileen: "Like clover honey dripping slowly from a Swedish pine." WHAT.



- I cannot get enough of the way that Tess is compelled to spank herself every time she pronounces "Strictly Come Spanking", however serious the context.
- Ooooh, adverts! The Restrained Elegance one for the Medieval Epic is rather fantastic.
- Irelynn: I have no words. No words. <3
- Michael Stamp in - a HAIR ADVERT! Why does he sound slightly Australian? He suits the white boy fro though...
- Back to the final! How I can stand the suspense??



Parts 3-5 will be released on NSI soon. Lucy McLean informs me that "there's even funnier stuff to come." Can you wait? I know I can't.

the unbelievable truth

I'm a little late to this one, but it seemed like a fun way to get back into blogging after a bit of a break. I've been away doing a kind of artist residency - crazy intense, very rewarding, but very little internet for over a week. I'm back home now, but there's not been much space in my head or my life for spanking lately, so it'll take me a few days to get back into the swing of blogging.

Anyway, Prefectdt invited me to join in this meme. It's sort of a truth/false game. I write five statements about myself and you have to guess which one is true. Then in a couple of days I tell you all if you guessed right. Got it? Okay!

1. The most outrageous place I've ever been spanked was in a church as a teenager - I was dating a vicar's son at the time.

2. I was once given a timed, rapid punishment spanking consisting of one spank per second for two minutes with a wooden hairbrush.

3. My brother and I played spanking games a couple of times when we were little kids. I always wondered whether he felt the same way about it as I did.

4. The first time I met Tom was on my first ever nude shoot, when I was just turned 19, and the first part of me he saw was my bottom - before we were even introduced.

5. During my degree D. and I had a deal which resulted in me getting spanked either way. If I did my work on time, I got to choose the implement and scene: if I didn't, he did.

Whew, that was harder than I thought! I think I might find a game where you have to post four truths and one lie easier. Anyway, there you are. All of those are based in truth, just to make it nice and difficult for you, but only one of them is actually true. I'm pretty sure I've told various people it, though, so some of you at least should be able to get it! (Boyfriends' answers don't count.)

Here are the other people who have taken part in the game so far:

Spankedhortic (answer here - I guessed right!)
Just My Random Perverted Thoughts
Hermione's Heart (answer here)
On The Way of Exploration
Spanking Pixie

Given how much easier I found it to think of true unbelievable statements than untrue ones, I'm tempted to start an online game of spanko "I have never" ... would any of you other bloggers be interested in playing? ;)